Meet The Brownie ...

In 2014, I had grown like never before, I experienced a lot of new stuff, I have been to places I have never been to before, I fall in and out of love, I spent the most awesome month, I cried my heart out, I became fully independent. It was amazing year el hamdolliah. A lot of firsts, here are some; The first time to live in Europe. Took my first sewing class. Took my first rainbow picture.  Had my first 3zooma ever in Ramadan.     The first time to be into Cathedral (Christ Cathedral Church) I was asked out for a coffee by a complete Irish stranger. The first time I snorkel in Sharm El Shaikh.  I decided to take my first swimming class ever. (Bucket List) First time to Paris. ( Bucket List) To rent my own house and live on my own. ( Bucket List) I saw the ocean for the first time. ( Bucket List) Took my first Yoga class. ( Bucket list) Visited New York and absolutely loved it. Saw the snow.

How many times you wish for the hours to pass so you could finish your job and go home? Are you still waiting for the weekend every Monday? Did you count the days till your trip? till you meet your beloved ones? or till you get what you want whatever it is? So you keep wishing for time to pass and when it pass and you grow older, you feel sad. Till you die, you will always have unfulfilled dreams and duties and time will pass anyway.

A broken heart Last time I had nervous breakdown, I literally cried my heart out, took sick leave without being actually sick, something that I cannot remember doing it in my whole career, but I was so emotionally sick so I guess I earn it. But next day, I was amazed by how was capable of handling myself and putting me back to the right path. I was the old happy me and I did not wait for the broken promises anymore. I feel free all over again. Stand up for yourself, break down when you feel like it and talk less, much less, about your misery to people. 

I took off my roots and decided to leave for a new adventure. I wanted to miss people I used to love and forgot all the anger I had for them. I did not want to be attached to anyone, to any place. I wanted to be left alone, I wanted not to be able to reach out for a help when I need one. I wanted to stand on my own. And it worked. And then I started feeling loneliness and longing all over again and then I found you. You filled in my life and at moments, you were exactly all I need. Then again, all "what I get myself into", "this is not going to work", "I want way out" thoughts came back rushing. And again I missed the me not attached to anyone, the lonely me, the one and only can make myself happy and sad. Because no matter how less I expect from you, you never cease to disappoint me. Is it time to take my roots out and start wondering again?

I always tell my cousin, who live In Europe, that If I was born and raised in Europe, I might not have realized the importance of Hijab and I would have never wear it. But when I moved to Europe, I realized that Hijab here does its job more than in home, Egypt I mean, because here men stare and might comment if you wear sexy clothes, never touching or bad words, just nice compliments. Don't tell me that you don't like to get nice compliments if you wear nice sexy clothes. In Egypt ba2a, Hijab or without Hijab, you will get harassed, if you smile, if you drive, if you cycle, if you walk, meaning if you were born a girl, يالا حظك السيئ Egypt May God have His mercy on you  =(

So I am 30, single and independent and that is awesome :) I just hit my 30s, so don't ever dare telling me what to do.

Today I saw a couple hugging and show affection, I know it is not new, I live in Europe and this is normal. But those specially touched me. they were so sweet. He walked by her side, holding her hand in one hand and his bike in the other hand. From time to time, she would stop him to give him a kiss or a hug. It made me wonder, how does it feel to be deeply in love, to be able to hug him/her anywhere, to be safely in love. If you had this kind of love for once in your lifetime, then be grateful, you probably deserve it.

Yeah true it is. Lets forget about the photos with the smiley faces. All the nice places we check in. All the Am fine words. Because I am not fine and life is not fine. I hate being alone and I love it in the same time. I want to have a dog but I cannot. I cannot stop think of you. I want just to sleep tight and happy. I want to be happy but till then am just fine outside, heartbroken inside.

It is a bit late but it is never actually late for good news. 2013 had been awesome for me el hamdoliah in many ways and brought a lot of good stuff into 2014; Career wise was and still magnificent el hamdolliah.  I got promoted el hamdoliah el hamdoliah. I discovered who are my real friends are. I moved to Europe where people are very polite and smiley :) I live alone, I hate it but I discover how much my family and friends love me, I can hardly find time to stay alone by myself even when I am miles away. And again I dumped some people so hard and actually enjoy it. I walk happily and safely in the street el hamdoliah. Home sickness of course, I wish I can get mom, my sister and her family and Popsi over here, it would have been much better. I have a home of my own, kind of yeah . Planning to get a bike inshallah very soon.  I discovered that I love Egypt but I hate Cairo, it it the worst ever. I have been to different places for the first time.  1st time to see a

I know I have promised a cheerful post, with all going into my life, perfectly it is el hamdoliah, I should write a one. But you know when you get something you have never dreamed about, and it is very good but still scares the hell out of you, that is what am going through right now. After only five days, am going to leave my home, family and friends and leave Egypt, I know, I know FINALLY. although am grateful for such opportunity, am still scared as hell. And since am not a good talker recently, I prefer to write it here, so till I move and settle down and will be able to write about the good experience...am here