Meet The Brownie ...

I just checked my first post on this blog, I was 23 :) coincidence Oh I was so young and unhappy 10 years later, here I am 10 years I have been through a lot A lot of my dreams came true el hamdoliah Dreams I've never thought they will come true. I changed a lot while I became me. I wish I did not worry that much when I was 23. I wish I enjoyed it more. I am 33 now and I don't miss being 23, my 33 is actually much better el hamdoliah So for the 33 me, please stop worrying, enjoy your life like it is, stop being sad over stuff you don't have now, being alone is not always that bad, and no need to worry about you friend and his family of 4 are coming day after tomorrow to share your one bedroom apartment, stop worrying about the wrinkle or the stray white hair, you are the youngest that would be today so enjoy it.

I miss my blog, I miss writing, I miss it here. My blog helped me in the hardest part of my life, so I owe it a lot. Although I use social media now to vent, it is not like my blog, am more honest here so I am coming back here. I love talking here much more than anything so lets get re-started Although it is sad because it is quitter, a lot of bloggers, like me, had stopped writing.

You will be always the character in chapter 4 I will always love you without even knowing you. I will never hate you. Although I hate you. I will always love the way we talk, the way we laugh, the way that am excited to tell you something funny and I know you will get it. I will always miss you P.S Written one year later~

To tell me he is getting married That he still loves me That he tried but I did not give us a chance That he wants me to be his kids' mom That he was childish when we first met That he wants me more than anything And I said no And I cried, I cried and cried and he asked if it because I loved him and I said no I cried for my older self that lost a dream today. I wanted you back then so much, I wanted you to tell me all what you said that day, I was ready to fight for you and with you but now am not me 10 years ago. Your loss!

I want to lose my mind for awhile. To act spontaneously. To go ahead spend all my savings on traveling and shopping for stuff I can live without. To stop being angry at you and treat you like nothing has ever happened. To treat you the same as I used to do. To talk on the phone till I 4 AM. To stop working hard. To stop having goals. To stop wishing. to stop dreaming and to stop missing you. To be happy, happy for myself and not for anyone else. I want to laugh till I pee. I want to feel loved again. I want to be able to trust you again.

Love is the most awesome feeling you could ever feel. It is amazing and it is so simple It as simple as "لقد رزقت حبها" You don't need to say you love someone when you don't You don't need to change someone to fall in love with. And definitely you don't need to cheat on someone. Love is beautiful so don't ruin it

Am broken. I don't want to forgive or forget. I just want to be left alone.

I know this is not a new topic but I want still to talk about it. Recently a lot of girls I know have taken off their Hijab and as much it boomed at the beginning, now it is disappearing as quickly as it started. People taking it off for many reasons and the main reason, we look better without it. The idea scares me, I am afraid that I would wake up and decide that I don't want to wear it anymore. It scares me like when I start missing prayers that I might stop praying, God forbids, it is not that praying is equal to wearing Hijab but both are very important to me. Also I don't like the idea that people praising me for still wearing my Hijab, am not wearing it probably and I have a lot to improve so don't make believe that I do what am supposed to do which I am not. Another thing, there a lot of so-called Hijab Fashionista all over the social media that they don't have anything to do with Hijab, I know I don't have the right to judge any of them but after I f...

Today I felt great الحمد لله so I wanted to share. that is it

For every time I complained about how lonely I am when I actually I was not. For every time I complained about my friends want to hang out with me all the time. For trusting you when I should not. For every single time I wanted to be left a lone & could not. I would not complain now I just wish for it to end soon...That is it & that is all

So today is my birthday, as usual I have to write a post so here is what I learn during my years of living; Family and good friends are what keep us alive so be grateful if you have good ones even if you want to kill them sometimes, you are not easy yourself, are you? Traveling is so nice, do it even inside your country. Bring something that remind you with you trips. I bring magnets, they make me smile everytime I look at my fridge. Live alone, you would learn a lot, you will discover stuff about yourself you never knew. In love, listen to your inner annoying voice and if it is too good to be true, it is probably is. Enjoy being alone, get yourself gifts, make yourself happy when no body there to make you happy. On a positive note, I have 29 years left to retirement...YAAY I want to adopt a kid soon inshaallah Update - 25.05.2015 So at the beginning of the month, I was in a complete mess because the one I thought is the one. It made everything looks bad and I wanted...

I want to go home. To pack all my stuff and just leave.

In 2014, I had grown like never before, I experienced a lot of new stuff, I have been to places I have never been to before, I fall in and out of love, I spent the most awesome month, I cried my heart out, I became fully independent. It was amazing year el hamdolliah. A lot of firsts, here are some; The first time to live in Europe. Took my first sewing class. Took my first rainbow picture.  Had my first 3zooma ever in Ramadan.     The first time to be into Cathedral (Christ Cathedral Church) I was asked out for a coffee by a complete Irish stranger. The first time I snorkel in Sharm El Shaikh.  I decided to take my first swimming class ever. (Bucket List) First time to Paris. ( Bucket List) To rent my own house and live on my own. ( Bucket List) I saw the ocean for the first time. ( Bucket List) Took my first Yoga class. ( Bucket list) Visited New York and absolutely loved it. ...

How many times you wish for the hours to pass so you could finish your job and go home? Are you still waiting for the weekend every Monday? Did you count the days till your trip? till you meet your beloved ones? or till you get what you want whatever it is? So you keep wishing for time to pass and when it pass and you grow older, you feel sad. Till you die, you will always have unfulfilled dreams and duties and time will pass anyway.

A broken heart Last time I had nervous breakdown, I literally cried my heart out, took sick leave without being actually sick, something that I cannot remember doing it in my whole career, but I was so emotionally sick so I guess I earn it. But next day, I was amazed by how was capable of handling myself and putting me back to the right path. I was the old happy me and I did not wait for the broken promises anymore. I feel free all over again. Stand up for yourself, break down when you feel like it and talk less, much less, about your misery to people. 

I took off my roots and decided to leave for a new adventure. I wanted to miss people I used to love and forgot all the anger I had for them. I did not want to be attached to anyone, to any place. I wanted to be left alone, I wanted not to be able to reach out for a help when I need one. I wanted to stand on my own. And it worked. And then I started feeling loneliness and longing all over again and then I found you. You filled in my life and at moments, you were exactly all I need. Then again, all "what I get myself into", "this is not going to work", "I want way out" thoughts came back rushing. And again I missed the me not attached to anyone, the lonely me, the one and only can make myself happy and sad. Because no matter how less I expect from you, you never cease to disappoint me. Is it time to take my roots out and start wondering again?

I always tell my cousin, who live In Europe, that If I was born and raised in Europe, I might not have realized the importance of Hijab and I would have never wear it. But when I moved to Europe, I realized that Hijab here does its job more than in home, Egypt I mean, because here men stare and might comment if you wear sexy clothes, never touching or bad words, just nice compliments. Don't tell me that you don't like to get nice compliments if you wear nice sexy clothes. In Egypt ba2a, Hijab or without Hijab, you will get harassed, if you smile, if you drive, if you cycle, if you walk, meaning if you were born a girl, يالا حظك السيئ Egypt May God have His mercy on you  =(

So I am 30, single and independent and that is awesome :) I just hit my 30s, so don't ever dare telling me what to do.

Today I saw a couple hugging and show affection, I know it is not new, I live in Europe and this is normal. But those specially touched me. they were so sweet. He walked by her side, holding her hand in one hand and his bike in the other hand. From time to time, she would stop him to give him a kiss or a hug. It made me wonder, how does it feel to be deeply in love, to be able to hug him/her anywhere, to be safely in love. If you had this kind of love for once in your lifetime, then be grateful, you probably deserve it.

Yeah true it is. Lets forget about the photos with the smiley faces. All the nice places we check in. All the Am fine words. Because I am not fine and life is not fine. I hate being alone and I love it in the same time. I want to have a dog but I cannot. I cannot stop think of you. I want just to sleep tight and happy. I want to be happy but till then am just fine outside, heartbroken inside.